Honest Motherhood – My thoughts / Raw & Real
Posted on January 30, 2018
Do you ever feel like you just need a break sometimes? As guilty as that thought is.
One of my favorite sayings is by Paulo Coelho “If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it is lethal” And I think that’s what gets to me the most, the “routine”
I personally HATE that word but somehow found myself and the kids falling into a routine which sometimes drives me absolutely nuts!
As much I love being a mother, nothing else compares, I sometimes feel like it’s just draining. The constant worrying, the endless fears and the overwhelming responsibility.
Suddenly things you never thought of before are now your biggest fear. People you were once close too, are now complete strangers. Of course I believe people are in or out of your life for a reason and when you have kids, you see people’s true colors. Your relationships are based on “are they good to my kids?” “Do they love my kids and make an effort with them?” “Do they have good intentions? “
Why would I want people in my life who are not good to my kids? Who never see them or bother at all, even if it’s just to pass by and say hello to them or actually make an effort and show up on their birthdays?
Suddenly you live and pray your kid poops, who would have thought I would be so happy and thankful to see a diaper full of poop? You constantly think of scenarios in your head and find ways to prevent them so your kids don’t get hurt..in your head. You sit and think what if this / what if that.
How can something like motherhood be so beautiful yet so terrifying? Am I the only one who sits and thinks of all those crazy things? Am I the only one who is scared of the unknown? Sometimes I honestly think I am. I see other mothers having so much fun and so carefree and think for a second –
“Maybe if I didn’t worry so much or wasn’t scared of everything; I too, could be having more fun!”
“Maybe if i trusted people more and let them help me with my kids, I would have a little bit of freedom”
“Maybe if I do get a nanny like everyone says I should, I would be able to rest a little”
“Maybe if I wasn’t so attached to my kids, I wouldn’t find it as hard leaving them whether to travel or just a day to myself”
I doubt myself everyday for different reasons, but I never doubt the kind of mother I am to my kids. I know I am a good mother, I give my all to them. Literally.
But sometimes I do doubt me, what about me?
I feel so guilty even having these thoughts. I feel so bad feeling like I need just a little break. I don’t feel the need to go out every day or travel every month or nothing of that sort. I just need to feel like I matter too. I just can’t explain it, you know?
I am always grateful I can stay home with my kids and be with them and never miss those special moments. But with that, comes great pressure and exhaustion. There’s a misconception of stay at home mums, “it’s so easy, you stay home all day”
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
It is the most rewarding thing in the world. It is beautiful and full of love. But it is also 24/7, no days off or public holidays. Not so glamorous as portrayed on Instagram. Not so effortless. Not so easy.
My mother gave her all to us growing up. As a single mother, she was everything to us – the father & the mother. She worked long hours and studied to get a better job, so she could afford to buy us things, send us to London & Switzerland to study. She had no summer holidays or shopping sprees, she had us. And we were everything to her. She exhausted herself to the core for her kids.
Now she is everything to us.
I appreciate her more than she knows. Is it because she bought us whatever we wanted? Is it because we studied in the best universities? Is it because we had the pretties outfits / clothes?
It’s because she was always there. Physically, mentally & emotionally.
And I sit and think maybe my kids will realize that when they are older and appreciate it. I was always there. And that means more to me than anything in this world.
And suddenly that urge for a break disappears for while.
I know Adam will soon start school inshallah and I will have a little more time in my hands. The year after Hana will start school as well and then what will I do? Will I long for their company now that I don’t have it anymore? Will I wish I never felt I needed a break knowing they are now in school and I have all the break I need? Will I miss playing with my little babies in the play room or jumping on the trampoline with them at 9am?
Suddenly I feel like the last thing I need is a break. I need more time with them.